Peas on Earth
by Fig Newton Salad
Summary: Overweight, clumsy, socially inept Nicole has no talents and no attractiveness to speak of—except an incredible talent for cooking and baking. When she somehow is transported to the world of Naruto, this embarrassing skill might just come in handy.
1. Chapter 1

Peas on Earth

Summary:

Overweight, clumsy, socially inept Nicole has no talents and no attractiveness to speak of—except an incredible talent for cooking and baking. When she somehow is transported to the world of Naruto, this embarrassing skill might just come in handy… No pairings!

Chapter One

The zipper jerked upwards, pinching the freckled, white flesh that bulged above it between the two flaps of cherry-red silk.

"Aaah! Hahahahaha…." Nicole said, arching her back and flapping her arms frantically. Her sister grabbed the two halves of the dress back and pulled them together as hard as she could.

"Suck it in!" she grunted, the zipper cutting into her fingers. Nicole gasped a huge breath in, her chest swelling. The zipper began inching back down.

"Stop!" her sister, Sue, yelled frantically, grabbing for the little metal flap that was cheerfully making its way down Nicole's back.

"Sorry!" Nicole said breathlessly, letting out the air in her chest. The zipper quivered teasingly, then stopped. Sue sighed in relief.

"Okay," she said, "Don't suck it in." Nicole stuck out her stomach and held her breath.

"Nicole…" Sue said in a pained voice.

"Oh! Right, sorry," Nicole said hurriedly, trying to hold in her stomach, keep her chest deflated and _not_ suck it in all at once. Her hammy legs quivered with effort. Sue was grunting again, forcing the zipper up her back, the two halves of the cherry-red silk dress jamming themselves together. The now zipped-zipper buckled and curled, the silk waving over Nicole's flabby back.

"Did it… _did it fit?!"_ she yelled, whipping around. "THANK YOU SUE!"

Sue tore her eyes away from the fire-engine red satin stretched over her sister's thighs and smiled weakly.

"Yeah… that's great," she said. "Uh…" Sue could find nothing else to say. The dress her sister had picked out for her first prom ever—incidentally senior prom—was knee-length cherry-red satin with thin straps and a v-neckline. It was also about two sizes too small.

Nicole whirled around to look at herself in the mirror hanging on her closet door; Sue cringed and almost took a step back. Her older sister's backside had somehow been amplified by the loud color and the shiny silk that was stretched over the offending booty within and inch of its life. Folds of flesh spilled out from over the dress' tight back and bulged around the thin straps, almost concealing them entirely. Nicole's hammy neck rose up like a mountain of peachy-white flesh above the stretched satin back of her dress. At least her hair looked okay, Sue thought nauseously.

Nicole whipped around again, her wide face covered with a wonderfully happy smile.

"I feel so… so..." she breathed in heavily, her cheeks flushed. "I feel like a princess!" she whispered, clasping her hands. Sue closed her mouth. Nicole threw open her closet door and bent over, rummaging for shoes. The seams groaned.

"DON'T!" Sue yelled, lunging forward and dragging her sister upwards. The zipper barely held.

"What?" Nicole asked innocently. Her younger sister checked the rest of the seams in the taught dress and sighed in relief.

"Don't _do_ that, Nic," she said. "You're seriously gonna rip something open." Nicole waved this away, accidently hitting her reading light. It flew at Sue, who leapt out of the way. It hit the wall with a crash.

"How am I going to find my shoes?" she asked in annoyance. She turned back to her cluttered closed and chewed a fingernail. "Pink or yellow?" she asked thoughtfully.

***

It was sprinkling outside but the evening was still warm. Sue perched herself on the arm of one of the family room sofas, listening to the sounds of her parents chattering excitedly in the kitchen.

"Isn't this great? Nicole's going to prom!" her mother was saying. "Oh, she's going to have such a great time!" Sue closed her eyes. Maybe her older sister was going to have a good time if she didn't rip open her size 10 dress…

"She'll have a blast," her father agreed proudly. "Joe's a good guy."

"So nice!" her mother exclaimed. "And offering to pick her up and everything!" Sue cringed. Joe or "Joey" Clark was a junior in her cousin's class. She suspected it had been largely due to Missy's persuasion that Joey had asked Nicole to the senior prom. The school board had made a special concession for him attending as a junior. It was impressive, Sue admitted, but her cousin Missy had literally never come across an obstacle she hadn't exploded out of her way.

"He even called to ask what color of dress she was going to wear," her mother said in a sentimental voice. "He wanted to wear a… _matching tie!_"

Sue let her head flop into her hands. Missy must have almost killed him.

Then Nicole came teetering out of her bedroom, dress stretched to the point of no return, on a pair of incredibly high, strappy, yellow sandals. Sue moaned.

"I'm ready!" Nicole called giddily. She had stuffed her paunchy arms into a short jacked and carried a beaded brown handbag.

Their parents came flying out of the kitchen.

"You look gorgeous!" their mother exclaimed, clasping her hands. Their father beamed. "Red is _definitely_ your color, Nic," he said approvingly. Sue slid off the couch arm.

_Ding-dong!_

"Oh gosh, he's here!" Nicole exclaimed, swinging her handbag around so fast it hit the lamp, which toppled over. The light bulb broke with a timid crash.

"Do you have everything you need?" their mother asked, fussing with her jacket.

Their father opened the door.

"There's the man!" he said heartily, clapping Joey Clark on the back. The skinny junior almost collapsed under the impact.

"Uh… Hi, Mr. Vanni," he said nervously wiping sweaty hands on his black slacks. Sue blinked at him. Joey Clark was tall but so, so skinny. His chest was concave. His pants looked like he could have fit both legs into one pant leg. His red hair was sticking up in the back slightly, and the front was plastered down with more gel than Sue probably owned. His acne-ridden face was pale, and raindrops slid down the lenses of his round glasses.

Nicole teetered to the door. "Hi, Joey!"

"Hi, Nicole!" he replied with a lot more enthusiasm than Sue had expected. He actually grinned at her. "You look great," he added, tugging his red tie. Mrs. Vanni let out a sigh.

"Thanks," Nicole said shyly, blushing fire-engine red. Mr. Vanni beamed at him.

"Well!" Mr. Vanni said, "You two should get going. Don't want to miss anything, eh?" Nicole giggled. Joey pushed his glasses up nervously. Sue cringed.

"Okay, bye mom!" Nicole said, hugging her mother, who sniffed sentimentally.

"Have fun, baby!" she said. Nicole patted her shoulder.

"I will," she assured her. She turned to her father, accidently kicking the umbrella-holder, which crashed to the floor. Sue lunged for it.

"Bye dad," Nicole said with a flushed face. Mr. Vanni hugged his oldest daughter tightly.

"Okay, Nic, have fun out there tonight," he said. "We'll expect you home before midnight, okay? Anything happens, just call." He held up his hand to his head mimicking a phone. Nicole nodded sagely.

"Okay, dad," she said. "Bye Sue! Bye guys!"

"Uh… Bye, Mr. and Mrs. Vanni," Joey added. The door slammed behind them.

Mrs. Vanni sank into a chair, her eyes distant and dreamy.

"Senior prom…" she sighed.

Sue surreptitiously escaped to her room.

***

Nicole yanked the seatbelt cord, willing it to fit over her thighs. It stretched, popped, and just made it into the clip. She looked up to find Joey gazing at her with round, moony eyes. He jumped violently and whipped around to the steering wheel.

"Ready?" he croaked.

"Yup!"

The car lurched out into the drizzly night.

The two teens sat in silence as the beat-up white Subaru lurched and bumped down the road towards the school gym. Nicole was buzzing with excitement. This was the first time any boy had ever asked her to a dance of any sort. And senior prom! She couldn't help a huge grin spreading over her face. She had given up hope of ever going to this crowning dance of all high school dances, then Joey Clark… She glanced at him. He was staring hard at the road ahead, ears beet-red. She grinned to herself and turned back to watching the rainy night outside her window. It had all been worth it if only for the look on Sue's face when she came home announcing that she had a date for senior prom.

Life was good. Almost as good as those dark-chocolate cocoa ginger chocolate chunk cookies she had made the other day. Now _those _were good. She wondered if her dad had eaten the last of them.

The car hit a pot-hole in the road, sending them bouncing higher than usual.

"Oh, crap!" Joey said suddenly. Nicole looked at him quickly; something in the tone of his voice…

"CRAP!" he yelled as the car began to spin. "NICOLE!"

She only had time to scream before the car smashed into the curb and began to roll. Then, out of nowhere, a blinding light engulfed her. She stopped mid-scream as the white light enveloped her limbs, then the blackness won, and she sank into oblivion.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

Her face was warm. It was the kind of warm that felt like the sun shining, not the thermostat set at 89, though that had been warm too. Nicole contemplated the warmth. Yes, definitely sunlight. She tried to feel the rest of her limbs and failed.

_Well at least I can feel my face, _she reasoned. That was something. Suddenly Nicole felt an irrepressible craving for the walnut-date muffins she had baked that morning. _Those were excellent,_ she thought. Then, _what happened again?_

The car rolling, Joey screaming her name, then the light… Nicole felt fear clutch at her neck. Was she… No. Or at least, hopefully not. Fearing the worst, Nicole cracked an eye open. The light almost blinded her; she groaned and shut her eye again quickly.

"Dude, she's waking up!" an unfamiliar voice said close to her feet. There was a short scuffle to her left.

"Did she say anything?" another voice asked.

A cold hand was pressed to her forehead, sending goosbumps up her arms. Nicole giggled. The hand was whipped back.

"Woa!" the second voice said. "She's awake!"

"That's what I just said," the first voice said, peeved. "Should we try talking to her? You know, asking her who she is and stuff?"

Nicole pondered this. The second voice didn't think too highly of this idea, however.

"No way!" it said. "We've gotta go tell someone she's awake!"

"I'll go get Iruka-san," the first voice said. There was another scuffle and someone walked off. Presumably Voice #1.

Nicole decided to try her luck with Voice #2. She opened her eyes, her head almost splitting as the searing sunlight blasted her retinas. She opened her mouth to say something.

"Guuuuuuuurghhhhh!"

A dark figure to her left whipped around.

"STAY CALM, MISS!" he bellowed, his voice ringing through her already aching head, "WE MEAN YOU NO HARM!"

The light was blazing right in Nicole's eyes. The figure to her left was still just a vague silhouette in her peripheral vision. She had to get this guy to stop yelling before her head exploded.

"Muuurghh!" she groaned, her arms flopping from side to side. The man jumped back.

"IT'S OKAY!" he yelled. "WE AREN'T GOING TO HARM YOU!"

"STOP YELLING!"

Nicole and the strange man stared at each other. She was sitting up on the grass in an open field, staring at a young man with bandages on his nose and spiky black hair that stuck out at least a foot and a half from his head. He was staring at her with a look of absolute shock. Nicole frowned. Something about this guy was vaguely familiar…

Then it hit her.

"Oh my gosh KOTETSU?" she exclaimed, lunging forward to get a better look at him. Kotetsu scrambled back, groping for a weapon.

"STAY CALM, STRANGER!" he was yelling frantically. Nicole raised herself to her knees painfully.

"Ouch," she said, wincing. "Could you _please _stop yelling?" she asked Kotetsu, holding her smarting back. He closed his mouth. Nicole looked down at herself. Other than scraped knees and elbows and a few grass stains, she was fine. However, she was still crammed into the size 10, knee-leght, fire-engine red prom dress.

"How do you know my name?" Kotetsu breathed, eyes wide. He had finally caught on. Nicole looked up eagerly.

"Oh, I know _all _you guys!" she said excitedly. "Was the other guy who was here Izumo?"

Kotetsu gaped.

"Is this Konoha?" Nicole went on, struggling to her feet and looking around. "Is Tsunade the hokage still?" Sure enough, the walls of the city rose above the treeline to her right. Nicole gazed at the high, yellow-stone structure in awe. She was actually here, staring at the outer boundaries of Konoha talking to Kotetsu in the world of her favorite manga ever—Naruto!

"THIS IS SO COOL!" she yelled, leaping up and punching the air triumphantly. Kotetsu gurgled from behind her. Nicole whipped around to see him staring in horrified silence at her fire-engine red satin rear end. She turned crimson.

"It's a little tight, okay?" she said in a small voice. "I don't dress like this _all_ the time." The ninja shook himself.

"Uh… I wasn't…" he stammered, turning red, "I mean… I don't…" His wide eyes strayed back to the shiny-red silk bulge.

"Hey!"

"Sorry!" Kotetsu said turning beet red. He scrambled to his feet. "What's your name?" he blurted out.

"Nicole," she said shyly, digging at the grassy forest floor with her toe. Suddenly, footsteps sounded behind them. She whirled around to behold a sight even more amazing than Kotetsu.

Iruka and Izumo were running up to them from the direction of the city walls. Nicole waved. Iruka skidded to a halt, his eyes wide as dinner plates. There was a long silence.

"Uh…" he said finally. Nicole followed the direction of his gaze and folded her arms across her stomach.

"Hi!" she said cheerfully. "I'm Nicole Vanni. You must be Iruka!"

"WHAT?" Iruka yelled, his eyes almost popping out of his head. Izumo blinked.

"She knew my name too," Kotetsu whispered. The four of them stared at each other for a long moment. Then Iruka shook himself.

"I'm sorry," he said quickly, "I'm supposed to ask, what business do you have here in Konoha?" Nicole hesitated.

"Well," she said slowly, "I think I just… sort of woke up… there." She pointed to a patch of flattened grass. Iruka looked at the other two questioningly.

"That's where we found her," Izumo said, holding up his hands. Kotetsu nodded silently. Iruka rubbed the back of his neck.

"Okay then," he said perplexedly. "Did you um… know you were going to wake up there?"

"No," Nicole replied. Slowly, one of her bright yellow stilettos started sinking into the loamy forest floor. She tugged at it surreptitiously. "I er… got knocked out, I think, and this is where I ended up." The stiletto wasn't budging.

"Where were you before you got knocked out?" Iruka asked curiously. Nicole paled. If she told them she was from another world, would they just lock her up in a psych ward? Did they even have a psych ward? No, she decided, she needed to improvise this bit. It should be easy, she reasoned. She'd just have to make up a village.

"I'm from…" she began authoritatevly, "The hidden village of the… of the…" She racked her brains. Of the _what?_ Why was it so hard to come up with one little thing? The three men were peering at her suspiciously.

"The hidden village of the walnut!" Nicole blurted out. Iruka stared.

"The Hidden Village of the Walnut?"

"The Hidden Village of the Walnut," Nicole confirmed with a nervous smile.

"The Walnut." Iruka repeated. "I don't think I've ever heard of it…"

"It's far away," Nicole explained hurriedly. "Um… biggest state—er, village county fair this side of the Naruto Bridge!" Iruka blinked.

"Really?" Izumo said, sounding genuinely interested.

"Oh, totally," Nicole said, casting about for another idea. "We're really famous for our… um… low-fat banana streusel topping muffins."

"Wow," Kotetsu chimed in. "Sound really—"

"Okay! Stop!" Iruka exclaimed, frowning in confusion. "You know, we're just going to take you to the Hokage. _She'll _have heard of the Walnut Village," he added under his breath. Nicole beamed at him.

The three men moved off in the direction of Konoha. Nicole followed them, forgetting her stiletto heel was stuck fast in the forest floor. He heel yanked her back, and with a cry, she lurched off her balance, grabbing the nearest thing on hand, which was Izumo's leg.

"HEY!" he yelled, loosing his balance and collapsing on top of her. "GERROFF ME!"

"Sorry!" Nicole cried, scrambling back and accidently beaning Izumo in the head with her elbow. Iruka rubbed his temples with a deep sigh.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

"She's definitely not a threat," Iruka said emphatically. Tsunade rested her elbows on her desk. The two were alone in her office. Nicole had been left in a guarded hospital bedroom.

"You know, I'm not so sure I've heard of the Hidden Village of the Walnut either," the Hokage said with a frown. "And that dress…"

Iruka shuddered.

"But she has no idea how she ended up here, eh?" Tsunade continued. Iruka shook his head. She was silent for a moment.

"Did you have her things brought up?" she asked. Iruka picked up a crate from his feet and plunked it on the Hokage's desk.

"It wasn't much," he said, lifting out the objects one by one. "She's still wearing her… dress." He grimaced.

Tsunade picked up the pair of lemon-yellow stiletto heel sandals. "You said her dress was red?" she said incredulously. She laid them aside and picked up the beaded brown handbag. "That's more like it."

She emptied the contents on her desk and began examining them one by one. She picked up a "Hello Kitty" wallet.

"Money," she said, fingering through three crumpled $1 bills and a crisp $20. "But I don't recognize it."

"Maybe the Walnut has different currency?" Iruka suggested, picking up a tube of candy-floss pink lip-gloss with two fingers. A furrow appeared between Tsunade's brows. She picked up a plastic-wrapped pink pill with "Pepto Bismal" written on the front.

"She should make her way back to Walnut as soon as possible," she said, reaching for a shiny blue cell phone. She flipped it open. It beeped feebly, but the dimensional jump had been too much for the little instrument.

"Are you sure she could make it?" Iruka asked doubtfully, prodding a well-chewed on Batman pen with his index finger. But Tsunade wasn't listening.

"What's this?" she asked curiously, holding up a small, lumpy brown cookie. Iruka peered at it and shrugged. Tsunade sniffed experimentally. Her face lit up.

"Ginger!" she exclaimed. She crumbled a tiny piece on her finger and touched the crumbs to her tongue. Her eyes melted into a dreamy expression. "And chocolate…" Before Iruka knew what was happening, Tsunade had taken a huge bite of Nicole's dark chocolate chunk ginger cookie.

"OH MY GOSH IS THIS EVER GOOD!" Tsunade yelled, jumping to her feet and spraying Iruka with crumbs. He scrambled back. She crammed the rest of the cookie into her mouth and ran for the door.

"Where did you say we were keeping her?" she cried, dark chocolate ginger cookie crumbs flying. Iruka pointed silently, eyes as round as saucers. Tsunade ran from the room, the door banging against the wall. Iruka stared after her. Then he turned back to the desk, where a small chunk of the cookie had escaped Tsunade's notice. He looked around quickly, and cautiously, lifted the dark brown chunk to his lips. He extended his tongue and let a single crumb react with the taste buds.

_I'm dreaming._

_I'm flying a million feet in the air, from cloud to cloud, watching the birds fly down below and letting the sun warm my skin. And I'm eating a dark chocolate ginger chocolate chip cookie._

Iruka opened his eyes and stared at the little cookie chunk in his hands. Without a second thought, he crammed it into his mouth.

***

Nicole was sitting on the hospital bed, swinging her legs gently and watching the sunlight from the window glance of the red silk when Tsunade burst in, eyes wild, face covered in cookie crumbs.

"WHAT ARE THOSE?" she bellowed.

Nicole blinked.

"Er… what?" she asked in mild confusion. The door guards had poked their heads in and were staring in utter shock at their Hokage.

"THOSE COOKIE THINGS!" Tsunade cried. "THERE WAS ONE IN YOUR PURSE! WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT?"

"Aaah! _Those_ cookies!" Nicole said with a smile and nod. "Those are my famous dark chocolate ginger chocolate chunk cookies."

Tsunade collapsed into a chair.

"They are _amazing._" She breathed. Nicole looked down, blushing.

"Do you like them?" she asked shyly.

"You kidding?" Tsunade said emphatically. "Do you have any more?"

Nicole's face fell.

"Well, not on me," she admitted, "But I could er… make some for you! All I need is some ingredients and a kitchen like the one I used to have in the Peanut Village."

Tsunade peered at her.

"Didn't you say it was the _Walnut_ village?" she asked suspiciously.

"Oh! Yeah, right. Walnut." Nicole said hurriedly. _I have _got _to remember that name from now on!_ Thankfully, the Hokage was too preoccupied with thoughts of more cookies to press the matter.

"You can use the school kitchen!" she exclaimed, jumping to her feet. "There'll be plenty of space in there!"

"What about ingredients?" Nicole asked, looking doubtful.

"You'll have an army of assistants!"

"Equipment?"

"What's Konoha's is yours!"

"Really?"

"Yes. Now get going!"

"Okay!" Nicole said excitedly, springing to her feet. A horrible ripping sound suddenly filled the little hospital bedroom. Nicole's stomach flipped. Oh no, not now…

"What was that?" Tsunade asked, stricken.

"I think it was my…" Nicole turned to find out. This was a mistake. With a groaning, ripping noise, the entire back of her dress was torn in two from top to bottom. Nicole froze in mid-turn.

_Crap!_

"Woa…" one of the doorguards said. Nicole turned as fire-engine red as the dress that still clung to her on the front, the two halves of the back flapping merrily at her sides. Thank goodness the window wasn't behind her…

"Oh my goodness," Tsunade said. "We need to er… get you something else to wear!"

Nicole nodded in silent agony. She should have listened to Sue. Size 10 was never a good idea!

"Get outta here!" Tsunade was yelling at the doorguards who hastily retreated back to the hallway. The door slammed behind her.

Nicole was left, standing in the middle of the room, holding the two halves of her dress to herself, her insides burning with embarrassment. Of all the places to have this happen…

_Knock-knock_

Nicole paled.

_Knock-knock_

"Anyone home?" a joking Kotetsu said from outside her hospital bedroom.

"DON'T COME IN!" Nicole yelled at the top of her lungs.

"Woa, sorry!" Kotetsu said in alarm. "Are you okay in there?"

"Yes! I—I mean _no,_ I mean…" Nicole said frantically. She reached behind her for the coverlet on the bed, trying to improvise a way to cover herself up in the event of disaster.

But in her confusion, she grabbed the doily on the small bedside table instead.

"Just—just hold on!" she yelled to Kotetsu.

Nicole yanked the doily. With a huge crash, the small lamp, glass of water, flower vase and alarm clock flew to the floor.

"What was that?" Kotetsu yelled.

Nicole stared at the shattered things in horror, the little white doily hanging limply in her clammy hand.

"Seriously, miss, I'm coming in there if something's wrong!" The door handle started to turn.

"NO!" Nicole screamed. "DON'T COME IN!"

Frantic, she reached back to grab the actual coverlet of the hospital bed but stepped on a wet flower from the ruined vase, and, arms pin wheeling, went flying backwards onto the bed. With a sickening crunch, the bed frame snapped.

"Okay, that does it!" Kotetsu said, flinging the door open. Nicole grabbed the blanket from either side of her and wrapped herself up at the last possible second.

Kotetsu stared from the wreckage on the floor to Nicole sprawled out on the sagging hospital bed, wrapped in the blanket.

"What…?"


End file.
